Path: news.alt.net!usenet
From: dinty_h_pal@my-dejanews.com (DINTY H)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.road-rules
Subject: **8**88**HOW COLESLAW STOLE KRISMUS!!1!!**8***8*
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 03:43:48 GMT
Organization: LET"S BE CHAT PLAS!!1!!!1!!
Lines: 305
Message-ID: <36787dab.40900157@news.alt.net>
Reply-To: dinty_h_pal@my-dejanews.com
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Xref: news alt.tv.road-rules:26960

**8**88**HOW COLESLAW STOLE KRISMUS!!1!!**8***8*


EVERY NICE WON
DOWN IN BIED A WEE
LIKED KRISMUS ALOT

BUT COALSLAW
HOO LIVED JUST NORTH OF BIED A WEE
DID NOT!11!!

COALSLAW HATED KRISMUS!!1! THE HOLE KRISMUS SEESON!!1!
NOW PLEES DO"NT ASK WHY!1!! NO WON KWITE NOS THE REESON!11!
IT COOD BE HIS HED WAS"NT SKROOD ON JUST RITE
IT COOD BE PERHAPS THAT HIS SHOOS WERE TOO TITE
BUT I THING THE MOST LIKELIE REESON OF ALL
MAY HAEV BEEN THAT HIS WHACKER WAS TOO SIZES TOO SMALL

BUT
WHATEVER HIS REESON
HIS SHOOS OR HIS PEEPEE
HE STOOD THEIR ON KRISMUS EEV HATING THE BIED A WEES
STARING DOWN FROM HIS CAEV WITH A SOWER COALSLAW FROWN
AT THE LITED UP TRAYLERS IN BIED A WEE TOWN
CUZ HE NOO EVERY NICE WON IN BIED A WEE BEENEETH
WAS BUSIE NOW, HANGING A MISSLETOE REETH

"AND THEIR HANGING THERE STINKIE SOKS!1!"
HE SNARLED WITH A SNEER
"TOOMORROH IS KRISMUS!1!!! IT"S PRAKTIKALLY HEAR!!1!"
THEN HE GROWLED WITH HIS COALSLAW FINGERS NERVOUSLIE DRUMING,
"I **8*MUST*8* FIND SUM WAY TO KEEP KRISMUS FROM COMING!1!!"

FOR,
TOOMORROH, HE NOO...

ALL THE BIED A WEE GIRLS AND BIED A WEE BOYS
WOOD WAKE BRITE AND ERLIE
THEY"D RUSH FOR THERE TOYS!1!!
AND THEN!1!! OH, THE NOYSE!1!
THAT"S WON THINK HE HATED!1!!
THE NOYSE!!1!! NOYSE!11! NOYSE!11! NOYSE!1!

THEN THE BIED A WEES YUNG AND OLD WOOD SIT DOWN TO A FEEST
AND THEY"D FEEST!11! AND THEY"D FEEST!1!
AND THEY"D FEEST!11!
        FEEST!!1!
                FEEST!1!!
                        FEEST!11!!!
                                FEEST!1!!!

THEY WOOD FEEST ON MOON PIE AND THE SUPREME BURREETO
WHISH WAS SOMETHINK COALSLAW COOD"NT STAND DO"NT YOO NO!!1!!
        AND *8*THEN**8*
        THEY"D DO SOMETHINK
        HE LIKED LEEST OF ALL
EVERY NICE WON DOWN IN BIED A WEE, THE TAL AND THE SMAL
WOOD STAND CLOS TOGETHER WITH KRISMUS BELS RINGINK
THEY"D STAND HAND IN HAND, AND THE NICE WONS WOOD START SINGINK

        THEY"D SINK!11! AND THEY"D SINK!11!
        AND THEY"D SINK!1! SINK!!1! SINK!!1!! SINK!!1!

AND THE MOER COALSLAW THOT OF THIS BIED A WEE KRISMUS SINK
THE MOER COALSLAW THOT "I MUST STOP THIS HOLE THINK!11!"
"WHY FOR FIFTIE THREE YEERS I"VE PUT UP WITH IT NOW!!1!!
"I MUST STOP THIS KRISMUS FROM COMING!!1!!
                ...BUT HOW??/??

THEN HE GOT AN IDEEA!11!
AN AWFUL IDEEA!!1!
COALSLAW
GOT A WUNDERFULL, AWFUL IDEEA!!1!

"I NO JUST WHAT TO DOO!!1!" COALSLAW LAFFED IN HIS THROTE
AND HE MADE A KWIK SANTIE KLAWS HAT AND A COTE
AND HEE LAFFED AND HE LAFFED "WHAT A GRATE SLAWWY TRICK!1!!
"WITH THIS COTE AND THIS HAT I"LL LOOK JUST LIEK SAYNT NIK!1!!"

"ALL I NEED IS A RANEDEER"
COALSLAW LOOKED AROWND
BUT SINSE RANEDEER ARE SKARCE THEIR WAS NUN TO BE FOWND
DID THAT STOP OLD COALSLAW?/??
NO!1!! COALSLAW SIMPLIE SED,
"IF I CA"NT FIND A RANEDEER, I"LL MAEK WON INSTED!!1!!"
SO HE CALLED HIS DOG, MAX. THEN HE TOOK SOEM RED THRED
AND HE TIED A BIG HORN ON THE TOP OF HIS HED

[SONG]

YUR A MEAN WON, COALSLAW!!!
YOO REELY ARE A HEEL
YUR AS CUDDLIE AS A CAKTUS, YUR AS CHARMINK AS AN EEL, MR. COALSLAW
YUR A BAD BANANANANANANA WITH A GREESY BLACK PEEL!!11

YUR A MONSTER, COALSLAW!1!
YUR HART"S AN EMPTIE HOLE!1!!
YUR BRANE IS FUL OF SPIEDERS, YOO HAEV GARLIK IN YUR SOLE, MR COALSLAW
I WOOD"NT TUSH YOO WITH A THRITY NINE AND A HALF FOOT POLE!11!

[END SONG]

THEN
HE LODED SOME BAGS
AND SOEM OLD EMPTIE SAKS
ON A RAMSHAKEL SLAY
AND HE HITSHED UO OLD MAX
THEN COALSLAW SED "GISSUP!1!"
AND THE SLAY STARTED DOWN
TOWARD THE TRAYLERS WHEAR THE NICE WONS
LAY A-SNOOZ IN THEIR TOWN

AL THEIR WINDOS WER DARK. KWIET SNO FILLED THE AIR
ALL THE NICE WONS WER DREEMING SWEET DREEMS WITHOUT CARE
WEN HE CAEM TO THE FIRST TRAYLER ON THE SKWARE
"THIS IS STOP NUMBRE WON" OLD COALSLAW CLAWS HISSED
AND HE CLIMED TO THE ROOF, EMPTIE BAGS IN HIS FIST

THEN HE SLID DOWN THE STOVEPIPE. HE COOD BARELIE CRAWL
BIT IF SANTA COOD DO IT SO COOD COALSLAW
HE GOT STUCK ONLIE WONCE FOR A MOMENT OR TOO
THEN HE STUCK HIS HED OUT OF THE STOVEPIPE FLOO
WHEAR THE LITTEL NICE WON SOCKS AL LHUNG IN A RO
"THEES SOKS" HE SED "ARE THE FIRST THINKS TO GO!!1!"

THEN HE SLITHERED AND SLUNK WITH A SMIEL MOST UNPLESENT
THROO THE SHAG KARPET, AND HE TOOK EVERY PRESENT!1!!
POP GUNS!1!! AND BISIKELS!11! ROLLER SKATES!1! DRUMS!11!
CHEKERBORDS!11! TRYSKIELS!1!! POPKORN!1! AND PLUMS!1!!
AND HE STUFED THEM IN BAGS. THEN COALSLAW VERIE NIMBLIE
STUFED ALL THE BAGS WON BY WON UP THE CHIMBLIE!!1!
THEN HE SLUNK TO THE FRIDGE AND HE TOOK THE NICE WONS" FEEST, YOO
NO!1!!
HE TOOK THE SINAMUN KRISPAS!1!! HE TOOK THE SUPREEM BUREETO!!1!
HE KLEENED OUT THAT FRIDJE IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE
WHY COALSLAW EVEN TOOK THE LAST MOON PIE!!1!

THEN HE STUFED ALL THE FOOD UP THE STOVEPIPE WITH GLEE
"AND NOW!!1!!" SED COALSLAW, "I WIL STUF UP THE TREE!!1!"

AND COALSLAW GRABED THE TREE AND HE STARTED TO SHOEV
WHEN HE HERD A SMAL SOWND LIKE THE KOO OF A DOEV
HE TURNED AROWND FAST AND HE SAW A SMALL NICE WON!1!
LITEL CHAMAKA, HOO WAS NOT MOER THAN TWENTIE WON

COALSLAW HAD BEN COT BY THIS NIC EWON DOTTER
WHO"D GOT OUT OF BED FOR A CUP OF COLD WATER
SHE STARED AT COALSLAW AND SED "SANTIE KLAWS, WHY
"WHY ARE YOO TAKING OUR KRISMUS TREE??/?? WHY??//?"

BUT YOO NO, THAT COALSLAW WAS SO SMART AND SO SLICK
HE THOT UP A LYE AND HE THOT IT UP KWIK!!1!
"WHY MY SWEET LITEL TOT" THE FAKE SANTIE CLAWS LYED
"THEIR"S A LITE ON THIS TREE THAT WO"NT LITE ON WON SIED
"SO I"M TAKING IT HOEM TO MY WORKSHOP, MY DEER
"I"LL FIX IT UP THEIR, THEN I"LL BRING IT BACK HEAR"

AND THE FIB FOOELD THE CHILD. THEN HE PATED HER HED
AND HE GOT HER A DRINK AND HE SENT HER TO BED
AND WEN CHAMAKA NICE WON WENT TO BED WITH HER CUP
HE WENT TO THE STOVEPIEP AND STUFED THE TREE UP!11!

THEN THE LAST THINK HE TOOK
WAS THE LOF FOR THERE FIER!1!!
THEN HE WENT UP THE STOVEPIPE HIMSELF, THE OLD LIER
ON THE WALLS HE LEFT NOTHINK BUT HOOKS AND SOME WIER

AND THE WON SPECK OF FOOD
THAT HE LEFT IN THE HOWSE
WAS A KRUM THAT WAS EVEN TOO SMAL FOR A MOWSE

THEN
HE DID THE SAEM THINK
TO THE OTHER NICE WONS" HOWSES
LEEVING CRUMBS
MUSH TOO SMAL
FOR THE OTHER NICE WONS" MOWSES!!1!!

IT WAS KORTER PAST DAWN
  ALL THE NICE WONS, STIL A-BED
  ALL THE NICE WONS, STIL A-SNOOZ
WEN HE PACKED UP HIS SLED
PACKED IT UP WITH THERE PRESINTS!1!
THE RIBBINS!1!! THE RAPPINGS!1!!
THE TAGS!1!! AND THE TINSEL!11! THE TRIMMINGS!1!! THE TRAPPNIGS!1!!
THREE THOWSIND FEET UP!1!! UP THE SIED OF MOWNT CRUMPIT!!1!!
HE RODE WITH HIS LODE TO THE TIPTOP TO DUMP IT!11!
"POO POO TO THE NICE WONS!!1!" HE WAS SLAWWILY HUMMING
"THEY"RE FINDING OUT NOW THAT NO KRISMUS IS COMING!!1!
"THEY"RE JUST WAKING UP!11! I NO JUST WHAT THEY"LL DOO!!1!
"THERE MOWTHS WIL HANG OPEN A MINIT OR TOO
"THEN THE NICE WONS DOWN IN BIED A WEE WIL ALL CRY BOO HOO!11!"

"THAT"S A NOYSE" GRINNED COALSLAW
"THAT I SIMPLIE MUST HERE!1!!"
SO HE PAWSED AND COALSLAW PUT A HAND TOO HIS EAR.
AND HE DID HEER A SOWND RISING OVER THE SNO
IT STARTED IN LOW. THEN IT STARTED TO GROW...

BUT THE SOWND WAS"NT SAD!1!
WHY, THIS SOWND SOWNDED MERRIE!11!
IT COOD"NT BE SO!1!!
BUT IT *8**WAS*8** MERRIE!1! VERIE!1!

        HE STARED DOWN AT BIED A WEE!1!
        COALSLAW POPPED OUT HIS EYES!1!!
        THEN HE SHOOK!1!!
        WHAT HE SAW WAS A SHOCKING SURPRIZE!!1!

EVERY NICE WON DOWN IN BIED A WEE, THE TAL AND THE SMAL
WAS SINGINK!1!! WITHOUT ANY PRESINTS AT AL!1!

HE **8*HAD"NT**8* STOPED KRISMUS FROM COMING!!!
IT CAME!!1!
SOMEHOW OR OTHER, IT CAEM JUST THE SAME!1!

AND COALSLAW, WITH HIS FEET ICE-KOLD IN THE SNO,
STOOD PUZLING AND PUZLING: "HOW COOD IT BE SO??/??
"IT CAEM WITHOWT RIBBINS!!1! IT CAEM WITHOWT TAGS!!1!
"IT CAEM WITHOWT PACKAGES, BOXES, OR BAGS!!1!"
AND THEN HE PUZELED THREE OWERS, TIL HIS PUZLER WAS SORE
THEN COALSLAW THOT OF SOMETHINK HE HAD"NT BEFOER!1!!
"MAYBEE KRISMUS" HE THOT "DOES"NT COEM FROM A STOER
"MAYBEE KRISMUS...PERHAPS...MEANS A LITTEL BIT MOER!1!"

AND WHAT HAPENED THEN...???/??
WELL...IN BIED A WEE THEY SAY
THAT COALSLAW"S SMALL WHACKER
GREW THREE SIZES THAT DAY!!1!
AND THE MINIT HIS SHOOS DID"NT KWITE FEEL SO TITE
HE WIZZED WITH HIS LODE THROO THE BRITE MORNING LITE
AND HE BROT BACK THE TOYS!11! AND ALL THE FOOD, YOO NO!11!
                AND HE...

             ...HE HIMSELF...!

COALSLAW CARVED THE SUPREEM BUREETO!!1!!


**8**MERRIE KRISMUS FROM DINTY H!11!!**8***